When you lose your best friend…

My heart is broken.  My beloved companion and best friend, Toby, left us yesterday.

The grief is overwhelming – it’s like Joy just picked up her bags and left, leaving us empty and bereft.

Our life with Toby

Can I have a dog?

Our son was about six years old when he pleaded for a pup as company.  He’s an only child and we’ve always been dog-lovers, so it should have been an easy decision.  

However, there was a catch, our little boy was allergic to dogs. 

Within about 10 minutes of contact with a dog, his eyes would swell up like cupcakes baking in an oven.  He had pretty bad allergies all round (who doesn’t these days?)  We really weren’t sure what was best and were given widely differing opinions on the matter from medical experts.

Faced with this should we, shouldn’t we? dilemma, we eventually decided we should. After all, we didn’t want to deny our son the joy of a doggo companion while growing up, and there was a chance the dog could really help his allergies (yes, there’s definitely irony there).

SPCA

We decided to go for the small Maltese breed.  

They’d been our pets before, so we knew their personalities, their loyalty, their fierce cleverness, and their reputation as a good breed for people with allergies (their dander is shed much less often than most other breeds.)  

We wanted to rescue a dog, so we phoned our local animal rescue shelter and asked if they had any dogs available.  They said they had four Maltese right then – aged somewhere between two and four years.

Toby Dog

At the SPCA we approached the dog enclosure and our son spotted a Maltese running around in a little grassy patch.  He was immediately captivated. That was his dog!

After filling in all the paperwork and having concluded the financial transactions, we got to take our new dog home.  It was a couple of days before Christmas, and it hadn’t been an easy time for us.  My husband’s mother had had a stroke, and was currently staying with us.  Our son’s broken arm was finally fixed.  You know – the normal stuff – LIFE!  

That’s when Toby entered the scene as a shy, scared, shivering and somewhat aloof boy.  He didn’t eat for the first two days and we were starting to worry.  Would we have to take him back?  Turns out he was merely in the process of acclimatising and needed to unwind.  

We noticed he had some funny quirks; he didn’t bark, he tip-toed around, he was terrified of our fly-swatter.  Certainly, some signs of abuse. It was going to take a big effort from us for Toby to trust us.

Bonding

Actually, it didn’t take long for us to bond.  We found we had something in common – a mutual love of walking.  I loved that he was a walker as my other Maltese furbabies certainly were not!  There is also the most wonderful nature reserve right on our doorstep, along with other parks and places to explore. I would call it dog paradise.

We also took every opportunity to include Toby in our lives, taking him for long drives, finding dog-friendly venues for our local holidays.  He was part of our pack.

A true personality

Over time, Toby’s personality started to shine.  He became affectionate, following me around everywhere.  

He never really became a barker – choosing to “talk” in his own way.  In fact, we only heard him bark for the first time about a year and a half ago.  He would watch the animals on our flat screen and rush outside with the odd bark to see if they were in our back garden.  It was the funniest thing to watch!

Our doggy flourished. He developed a love of running around at high speed when he was excited, he loved to stick his head out of the car window, he liked to lie flat on his tummy with his back legs splayed out, he relished his treats. He got used to being picked up and cuddled. Other dogs were new friends but we were his pack.  He learnt to love and be loved.

It was wonderful to see, and his joy seemed to glow from him.  People always say that rescues are the most grateful and I reckon that’s true. They blossom in the right environment.

Our fluffball of cuteness

Toby was always such a clean dog.  He was groomed every four weeks and we used to call him “The Talcum Toby” when he came home because he smelt so fresh and wonderful.  He was also incredibly healthy.  He’d only go to the vet for vaccinations, and once to clean his teeth.  We felt blessed…but then things changed.  He started acting strangely – shivering and shaking from head-to-toe.  Sometimes so desperately that he’d be sitting on my head at 4am in the morning.

We didn’t know what was wrong so took numerous trips to the vet.  He was treated for anxiety, for back problems, for white dog shaker syndrome (yes, it’s really a thing.)  He was on so much medicine, we sometimes had to give him two syringes full!  We also had him on Pet CBD oil but nothing really seemed to work and his quality of life was much reduced.  He couldn’t find a comfortable spot to rest and his back was arched. My heart bled for him.

The BIG C

Eventually, Toby had more invasive tests – blood work and a sonar, and we received the dreaded phone call. 

He had pancreatic cancer (primary) and liver cancer (secondary).  

It was devastating news.  There was no hope – nothing the vet could do.  We had to prepare ourselves to say goodbye.  We couldn’t keep him going by flooding him with medicines and food alone.

Pancreatic cancer is incredibly painful and our Tobster was brave right until the end.  The last thing we wanted was for him to suffer.  We’d had him for almost 10 years but he looked so much younger.  He never looked like an old boy.  In fact, only a year previously someone had thought him a puppy!

We had one last weekend with him – a final trip to the beach, a long car drive, a visit to the dam. 

He went peacefully and that is my only consolation.  I was there with him when it mattered.  Letting go is so hard but watching suffering is so much harder. After Toby was gone, I realised I’d been grieving for him for a while.  I knew in my heart that he was really really ill.

One of the scariest and saddest things I read was that:

Just 50 years ago only 1 in 100 dogs got cancer?

NOW, it’s 1 in 1.65 dogs that will be diagnosed with cancer. That’s 66% of all dogs.

(Source: The Truth About Cancer)

What’s making our dogs so ill? 

Is it the food we give them, toxic tick and flea products, toxins in their environments? This explosive growth in pet cancer really needs more exploration. We feel that our beloved boy was taken too soon and in the most horrible way.

Endless love

I took a long walk yesterday, after he’d gone. It was somewhat cathartic.

I felt that he was running ahead and looking back at me to ask if I was coming – like he always had.

Not yet, my beloved boy but one day…we will meet again.

I will always love and miss you without end.